A Shamelessly Ripped Off Buffy Musical ala X-Files
by Madame Rat
Summary: Re-added! It's Buffy Songs meet The X-Files meet some of my original characters. Look at Krycek! He's dancing CRAZY!


The X-Files Musical!  
  
Or  
  
A Shamelessly Ripped Off Buffy Musical!  
  
CAST: Cassidy Adamsom (Yelena Krycek), Ben, Derek, Dana Scully, Alex Krycek, Walter Skinner, John Doggett, Monica Reyes, Brad Follmer, and a bevy of those characters we love so much we can't resist making fun of!  
  
Scene 1: FBI Building. We watch everyone go about their daily routine i.e. Scully and Doggett in the office, Monica at the computer, etc. Complete silence until Cassidy boards an elevator and it opens, where she breaks out into song.  
  
  
  
1 CASSIDY  
  
Every single day, the same old routine, walk about and file the files  
  
(walks out of the elevator and towards AD Skinner's office)  
  
Still the MIB have their same old scheme, no one questions them about E.T. bile  
  
(slams files on secretary's desk and sits down couch)  
  
They've been getting high on making lies  
  
That endanger my life  
  
So I've been going through the motions  
  
(suddenly stands up)  
  
Saying I'm alright  
  
No reason to put up a…  
  
(secretary motions her to be quiet)  
  
Fight…  
  
(music pause. She rolls her eyes and decides to storm the office where A.D.s Skinner, Kersh and Follmer are seated.)  
  
2 SECRETARY  
  
Hey! They're in a meeting!  
  
3 CASSIDY  
  
(continues and stand up on the desk)  
  
I thought it was cool to know a killer, now I think it ain't so great  
  
Trialed by the court, you find yourself being used as bait  
  
4 SKINNER  
  
4.1 Wanted in 10 states  
  
(pause)  
  
  
  
CASSIDY  
  
It's not a family trait  
  
(is carried off the desk by the three)  
  
5 FOLLMER, SKINNER and KERSH  
  
She is pretty spry with lethal guys  
  
But lately we can tell  
  
She's just going through the motions  
  
Doing it somehow  
  
6 FOLLMER  
  
Rumour is, those aren't her real---(gets slapped) OW….  
  
7 CASSIDY  
  
(runs out of the office and waits for the elevator to open)  
  
7.1 The problems, there are way too many?  
  
Will he chase me til I'm twenty?  
  
8 OFF CAMERA VOICE  
  
8.1 OH MY GOD! THEY JUST KILLED KENNY!  
  
9 CASSIDY  
  
9.1 Better him than me!  
  
9.2 I'm just going through the motions, living the same lie  
  
I don't want to know  
  
How far it's gonna go  
  
I'm just an intern ho!  
  
But I still want to be….  
  
ALIVE!!!  
  
(Elevator finally opens up. Cassidy steps in.)  
  
Random worker: Alive doesn't rhyme with—  
  
Cassidy: Shaddup.  
  
(elevator closes)  
  
Scene 2: Doggett and Scully's office. Reyes is there as well at the computer. Doggett hangs up a phone.  
  
Doggett: (pause) Is it just me or is---  
  
Reyes: (interrupts anxiously) everyone bursting out in song and dance, revealing their inner, darkest secrets to all but strangers on the street?  
  
Doggett: Actually, I was gonna ask if anyone else felt the draft but, sure, that too.  
  
Reyes: Oh.  
  
Scully: (sifting through files) So Agent Doggett, what did you sing about?  
  
Doggett: What? Me? I don't sing. Nor am I the dancing type.  
  
Cassidy: (walks in) Then why did I see you doing the macerena outside your car?  
  
Doggett: Eh…heh..….you're fired.  
  
Reyes: What do you think it could be Agent Scully?  
  
Scully: Please. Everyone's just in a jovial mood…maybe it's just—  
  
10 REYES  
  
(suddenly hops out from her seat)  
  
I've got a theory.  
  
It could be Satan.  
  
It's my department, so I think that I would know!  
  
11 SCULLY  
  
I've got a theory  
  
It may be fate an'  
  
There's nothing paranormal, let's not waste more dough  
  
12 CASSIDY  
  
12.1 I've got a theory we should dig and see  
  
13 DOGGETT & CASSIDY  
  
'Cause this could be a stunt done by a conspiracy  
  
14 SKINNER  
  
(runs in to join)  
  
It could be FOX guys!  
  
Some evil FOX guys!  
  
Which is ridiculous 'cause Rupurt Murdoch is my God, he sends my kids to college, FOX rules and I'll stand over here (winks to the camera)  
  
14.1 CASSIDY  
  
14.2 I've got a theory! It could be midgets!  
  
(pause)  
  
15 DOGGETT  
  
I've got a the—  
  
16 CASSIDY  
  
16.1 Midgets aren't as cute as everybody supposes!  
  
They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses!  
  
And what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyways?  
  
MIDGETS! MIDGETS! IT MUST BE MIDGETS!  
  
(silence)  
  
Or maybe bunnies?  
  
17 DOGGETT & SCULLY  
  
17.1 I've got a theory we should fix this thing  
  
'Cause half this cast can't dance judging from how they sing  
  
18 REYES  
  
18.1 I've got a theo—  
  
19 BENJAMIN  
  
(walks in puts an arm around Cassidy)  
  
It doesn't matter  
  
What's can't we face if we're together?  
  
Aliens, we've got them all weathered  
  
UFOS  
  
The future holds  
  
We won't know  
  
Til we implode  
  
(silence)  
  
With…love?  
  
20 ALL  
  
What's in this world that we can't get passed?  
  
We'll open a giant can of whoop-ass  
  
We gotta stop  
  
This singalong  
  
It's so wrong  
  
21 SCULLY  
  
21.1 I'm still a single mom  
  
22 ALL (stand up and gather in a circle! KOOM-BI-YAY!)  
  
22.1 What can't we complete if we don't try?  
  
Our contracts guarantee we don't die  
  
There's nothing we can't face…  
  
23 CASSIDY  
  
23.1 Except for Rupurt Murdoch….. I mean, midgets!  
  
(they end all hugging each other)  
  
SCULLY: That's not my shoulder Agent Doggett.  
  
(Everyone slowly backs away from each other)  
  
REYES: Maybe we should uh, split up into teams…figure what the hell this thing is.  
  
SKINNER: Right. Reyes and I will stay here. Scully and Doggett can go investigate. (makes eyes at Reyes)  
  
REYES: (holds back her breakfast)  
  
DOGGETT: Yeah, I think that would be a good idea. (Scully nods and the two of them grab their coats and head out.)  
  
REYES: That's not my shoulder, A.D. Skinner.  
  
SKINNER: That isn't my hand.  
  
(BENJAMIN and CASSIDY slowly slip away from the office)  
  
Scene 1: Parking lot. DOGGETT and SCULLY are exiting the building  
  
DOGGETT: Ah, this is nice. I like spending time alone with you Agent Scully.  
  
SCULLY: You always spend time alone with me, Agent Doggett.  
  
DOGGETT: Why not call me John?  
  
SCULLY: 'Cause it's a dumb ass name.  
  
DOGGETT: (huffy) Oh, like Fox is any better?!  
  
SCULLY: Do I detect a hint of jealously?  
  
DOGGETT: Well, no…yes…I mean…Agent Scully…Dana…I…  
  
SCULLY: Let me guess…  
  
24 SCULLY  
  
24.1 You lived your life in shadow, never the light on your face  
  
You lived like a damn hermit, you figured that was your place  
  
Now here you've been lead  
  
You're falling for a red-head!  
  
Your under my spell  
  
You just can't confess, I'm your FBI goddess  
  
Your nervous I can tell  
  
Nothing's more sexy than chasing down an E.B.E  
  
You saw a world enchanted, magic unfold everywhere  
  
Admit it, you just want to get into my underwear!  
  
But love and work? God knows  
  
We'll end up on Jenny Jones!  
  
Your under my spell  
  
I'm just so exotic 'cause autopsies are so erotic!  
  
You looked and then you fell  
  
But that's alright with me  
  
I'm looking for my child's daddy!  
  
I made you believe!!  
  
A moon to the ti—  
  
DOGGETT: Actually, Agent Scully, I was just gonna tell you you looked hot today.  
  
SCULLY: (stops singing and dancing about) Oh. Well. Then….Wanna make out in the back seat of your car?  
  
DOGGETT: Damn straight!  
  
(runs off screen)  
  
  
  
Scene 4: In Scully's office.  
  
REYES: Ugh. Skinner, your on my lap.  
  
SKINNER: I can't help it. (pause) You know you want me.  
  
REYES: WHAT?! (sarcastic) Oh baby. The undying attraction. Uh-uh. Work it.  
  
SKINNER: Damn straight! (attempts to jump her)  
  
REYES: Whoa whoa whoa, sarcasm, buddy. You're just a … little too feminine for my likings, buddy.  
  
SKINNER: But I thought that's how you liked your…significant others! It was water cooler gossip! Just that! I—  
  
25 REYES(turns to camera)  
  
26 This is the man who I plan to sue later  
  
27 Isn't he gross?  
  
28 High in the day when his wife is away  
  
29 But later morose  
  
30 But now if I should quell  
  
31 He kinda looks like a good sell  
  
32 He's kinda cute—hey? WHAT THE HELL!?! (looks surprised at herself)  
  
33 I'll never tell!  
  
(rants)  
  
SKINNER (turns to camera)  
  
She is the one, such wonderful fun, she's one of a kind  
  
A nice tight…embrace, and her face doesn't show a day past forty nine!  
  
REYES: I'm thirty four.  
  
SKINNER: Oh.  
  
  
  
  
  
34 SKINNER  
  
Although she's kind of odd  
  
And one hell of a creepy broad  
  
I think I'll just sit, smile and nod  
  
'Cause I'll never tell  
  
35 BOTH  
  
(look away from each other)  
  
'Cause there's nothing to tell  
  
36 REYES  
  
(stands up)  
  
He's sweet  
  
37 SKINNER  
  
She's insane  
  
38 REYES  
  
Don't care if he got no mane  
  
SKINNER  
  
Now I finally understand that I've been wrong  
  
39 REYES  
  
I never saw it  
  
40 SKINNER  
  
I'm glad I finally fought it  
  
41 REYES  
  
What the hell have I been missing all along?  
  
42 BOTH  
  
The vibe gets kind of scary  
  
43 SKINNER  
  
(sarcastic)  
  
Like she'll ever want to marry  
  
44 REYES  
  
I don't care if he ain't hairy  
  
45 SKINNER  
  
Hey! My crush was temporary!  
  
46 BOTH  
  
We're both goin' to hell  
  
So Thank God I'll never tell!  
  
47 REYES  
  
When things got colder  
  
He hid behind his Mulder  
  
But now he cannot shoulder  
  
The FBI blow  
  
48 SKINNER  
  
They want to can me  
  
Reyes voice sounds really manly  
  
She—  
  
49 REYES  
  
49.1 I want a family!  
  
50 SKINNER  
  
This is my verse, hello?!  
  
She—  
  
51 REYES  
  
(starts filing)  
  
Look at me! I'm filing CRAZY!!!  
  
(dance interlude with the oyvan, and the filing and the layden, and the dancing and OY my ulcer!)  
  
52 BOTH  
  
You know…  
  
53 REYES  
  
(dips him)  
  
You're not so smarmy  
  
54 SKINNER  
  
(scared)  
  
Please, God, don't harm me  
  
55 REYES  
  
You're the cutest of the cast and  
  
I want to jump you fast  
  
And your firm yet supple—  
  
Never mind!  
  
(starts chasing him around the room)  
  
SKINNER: Agent Reyes! STOP! QUIT IT, BART, QUIT IT!! (runs out of the room, screaming like a little girl)  
  
56 REYES  
  
He's swell  
  
And oh hell  
  
Would I like to ring his bell  
  
Too bad his focus no longer lies within me  
  
But what if  
  
He gets into a tiff  
  
That will destroy relations with his dear Scully!  
  
That's it!  
  
It's got to be!  
  
That "if"  
  
Is darling Agent Scully  
  
If I break their little rendez-vous  
  
Then he's gotta fall back for me soon!  
  
To get back my own dear Skinner  
  
I may even have to kill her  
  
Am I crazy?  
  
Should I hurt her?  
  
Do I really gotta murder?  
  
Hey, if Walter comes right back to me then it's all very well!  
  
But thank God I'll never tell!  
  
I'll swear I'll never tell!  
  
My lips are sealed….  
  
(grabs stapler menacingly)  
  
I take the fifth…  
  
Nothing to see…move it along..  
  
I'll never…  
  
REYES: (loudly) I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, AGENT SCULLY! (runs off. Then runs back in sheepishly to grab the stapler and runs off again)  
  
Scene 5: Warehouse. Cassidy and Ben walk in.  
  
BEN: Ooo…kind of kinky. I like it.  
  
CASSIDY: Keep it in your pants, Benji.  
  
BEN: (looks around) I told you not to call me that in public!  
  
CASSIDY: ("what the hell?" look) Anyways, I got a call from an informant.  
  
BEN: And they said to meet here? Isn't that kind of….  
  
CASSIDY: Dangerous?  
  
BEN: I was going to say kinky, but sure that too.  
  
CASSIDY: Don't worry. I've paged everyone for back up just in case. (pauses) So, how come we haven't burst into a duet yet?  
  
BEN: (shrugs) Maybe we have nothing to hide from each other.  
  
BOTH: (mutter) Right.  
  
(loud noise)  
  
CASSIDY: Hold me back, Ben…  
  
BEN: Sweet! Benji scores tonight!  
  
KRYCEK: Not so fast…(appears on the second floor and walks down)  
  
CASSIDY: (roles eyes) The prodigal son returns.  
  
KRYCEK and BEN: (exchange "what the hell?" looks)  
  
CASSIDY: What the hell do you want?  
  
KRYCEK: Just thought you could give me a little information as to why I burst into a full orchestra swing ensemble piece over a box of cheerios.  
  
CASSIDY: Me? I thought YOU were my informant.  
  
KRYCEK: (shrugs) What are you gonna do?!  
  
CASSIDY: Okay. This whole thing is starting to irritate me…you'd better go before I…I…  
  
KRYCEK: burst?  
  
BEN: INTO FLAMES?!  
  
KRYCEK: (suddenly takes on English accent) No you ninny, into song—  
  
57 CASSIDY  
  
I died, so many years ago  
  
Why won't you leave me be?  
  
Just leave me alone  
  
If I'm such a plague to you  
  
Why won't you let it go?  
  
Oh…  
  
You feel  
  
The need to be alarmed  
  
Don't always got a back up plan  
  
That's how you lost your arm  
  
Your pretending spy versus spy  
  
Can get you in such harm  
  
That's great  
  
But I don't want to play  
  
I'm sick of all your back stabbings  
  
I'm tired of your games  
  
I can't speak good Russian, so in English, let me say:  
  
Let me rest in peace!  
  
Let me rest in peace!  
  
Let me get some sleep!  
  
Let me take my past and bury in a hole six feet deep!  
  
I can lie and say I'm okay  
  
And I've found my sweet release!  
  
But let me rest in peace!  
  
KRYCEK: It's not all my fault you know.  
  
BEN: Don't look at me!  
  
BOTH: Shaddup.  
  
58 KRYCEK  
  
You know  
  
I wasn't half this bad  
  
Til this prom queen stormed in my life  
  
"Spying's just a fad"  
  
If you don't stop,  
  
I'm going to pop  
  
You haven't seen me mad  
  
So let me rest in peace!  
  
I know, I should go  
  
But I follow you, 'cause we need each other  
  
Even though we despise and loathe one another  
  
You even look a lot like our late mother  
  
Hey I got to protect you 'cause I'm your big brother!  
  
59 BOTH  
  
But I can't breathe! You've got me smothered!  
  
So leave me be!  
  
And let me rest in peace!  
  
Let me get some sleep!  
  
Let me take my past and bury it in a hole six feet deep!  
  
I know I said I won't hurt you  
  
But I'm feeling a release!  
  
So let me rest in peace!  
  
Let me rest in peace!  
  
(long pause)  
  
BEN: God, I'd really hate to come to your family reunions.  
  
(doors suddenly close)  
  
CASSIDY: Very funny, Alex.  
  
KRYCEK: Uh, don't look at me.  
  
(suddenly, men and bunnies galore storm the warehouse!)  
  
BEN: (girly scream) BUNNIES! (jumps into Cassidy's arms)  
  
CASSIDY: (drops him and hisses) Derek.  
  
DEREK: Smiles everyone.  
  
KRYCEK: So your behind this.  
  
DEREK: What the bunnies? Yes, but sadly, not the singing. It's a pity someone thought it up. I'm actually quite jealous.  
  
CASSIDY: The violins are playing, I'm sure.  
  
DEREK: Just for you three, actually.  
  
KRYCEK, CASS, BEN: eep.  
  
(Derek, embarrassed as hell, begins to tap dance)  
  
60 DEREK  
  
(grabs CASSIDY as the men and bunnies surround KRYCEK and BEN)  
  
Why'd you run away?  
  
Don't you like my dance?  
  
I recall a time, you wanted to  
  
Get in my pants!  
  
Don't you miss our heart and soul connection?  
  
Okay, we just did it, but we still had affection!  
  
Why don't you stay a while?  
  
And entertain your fans!  
  
You're the hottest thing  
  
Well, second to me  
  
When you got to sing  
  
Let your hormones go free!  
  
I don't know who cast these strange ditties  
  
But we've let loose all our little gritty  
  
Secrets now, why don't we just party on  
  
'Cause I know what you feel girl,  
  
I know just what you feel girl  
  
BEN: So these are good bunnies? Bringing the fun in?  
  
KRYCEK: He never said that, moron.  
  
61 DEREK  
  
Hah.  
  
(points to Ben)  
  
All these petty things, they go on too long (turns back)  
  
You need someone who'll always come on strong  
  
All those hearts lay open – that must sting  
  
We're meant to be so won't you please wear my ring?  
  
Don't waste a second chance, life is but a song  
  
You're the reason I'm still in this town  
  
And I'm dying to move on and go down  
  
(awkward)  
  
Back we will go to snow filled Chicago  
  
It's where you want to go  
  
'Cause I know what you want girl  
  
62 CASSIDY  
  
No you see, it can't be  
  
This whole sitch just can't be true  
  
63 DEREK  
  
I can make you feel, girl  
  
64 CASSIDY  
  
What I mean, I'm nineteen  
  
And I have no love for you  
  
DEREK  
  
64.1 Now I've played nice for your own boost  
  
Now what the hell is your damn excuse?  
  
65 CASSIDY  
  
(uncomfortable)  
  
Please let go, 'cause you know  
  
I feel like I'm in a cage  
  
66 DEREK  
  
Something's cooking, something you're not saying  
  
So help me girl, if you do not stop playing  
  
67 CASSIDY  
  
I refuse, to amuse  
  
And reveal that I am engaged  
  
(silence)  
  
CASSIDY: Uh…uh…to the….the BUNNY!!  
  
RANDOM BUNNY:…Or perhaps a midget?  
  
DEREK: Engaged?….(looks to Ben, mad) Engaged! Hmph… (starts to laugh) What's a wedding without…the bride and groom? Or the guests?  
  
CASSIDY: Huh?  
  
ALL THREE:…uh-oh.  
  
68 DEREK  
  
Now we're partying  
  
That's what it's all about!  
  
DEREK: Take them away! (The trio get locked in a tiny dark room)  
  
CASSIDY: Ick. Mulch. What are you going to do huh? Ehe…WHAT?!  
  
KRYCEK: Engaged?!  
  
BEN: (whines) I thought we weren't going to tell them yet!  
  
KRYCEK: Engaged?! That leads to…m…m…m….and then to….ch…ch…ch… you can't! I forbid you! I am putting my fist down! (waves prosthetic arm threateningly)  
  
CASSIDY: (angry) Oh right. Mister authority figure can do anything. Oh right, except CLAPPING!  
  
BEN: (yells to outside) Can I get a separate cell please?  
  
CASSIDY: I'm going to be FINE on my own if you just gave me some space! (goes to BEN)  
  
69 KRYCEK  
  
You're not ready for the world outside  
  
You keep pretending everything's alright  
  
And I may threatened to be standing at your side  
  
But I…  
  
You may be vapid, you may be young  
  
But at your age, I was way more dumb  
  
And maybe this one-armed man has finally sung  
  
That I…  
  
I wish I could be the brother  
  
You wanted me to be  
  
Wish I could be the one who  
  
Finally set you free  
  
Wish I could show emotion  
  
But now I clearly see  
  
That I am standing in your way  
  
(to Ben)  
  
I know your brainwashed by society  
  
But if you love her, it's okay with me  
  
Cause you're deserving as deserving can be  
  
But I… (turns back)  
  
Wish I could've been there for you  
  
For all those awkward years  
  
Wish I could scare your demons  
  
Annihilate your fears  
  
Wish I could walk you down  
  
That aisle full of tears  
  
But I'm just standing in the way  
  
Just standing in the way  
  
(cut to simultaneous scene of RUPURT MURDOCH (!) watching his ratings go higher and higher!)  
  
70 RUPERT  
  
They're under our spell  
  
God how can this be?  
  
I found quality TV!  
  
This network's been through hell  
  
Oh, the irony  
  
No more David Duchovny! (frolicks)  
  
You make me believe!  
  
(door suddenly slams and David Duchovny walks in)  
  
DAVID: I've changed my mind! FOX needs me! Humanity needs me!  
  
RUPERT: What? You can't do that! Your departure has left open a window of opportunity! A "WOO" if you will!  
  
DAVID: Yeah well, the film career I had hoped for…well…one word: Evolution. I'm back in business! (hands him contract and runs away)  
  
RUPERT: (cries after him) But Evolution was a decent movie! (sob) Not now! We have the viewers AND the critics under our spell! UNDER OUR SPELL!  
  
71 KRYCEK RUPERT  
  
(to Cassidy) (to ratings)  
  
Believe me, I don't want to go Believe me, I don't want to go  
  
And it'll grieve me 'cause And it'll grieve me 'cause I  
  
I need you so need you so  
  
We both know We both know  
  
Wish I could be the brother Wish I could say that it was  
  
You wanted me to be Always this way but I can't  
  
Wish I had beat up Derek lie that bad I never thought  
  
And finally set you free David would be a working  
  
71.1 Wish I could… dad…Wish I could  
  
Stay…  
  
Wish I could stay here  
  
Wish I could stay here  
  
Wish I could stay.  
  
(Rupert breaks down crying and so does Krycek)  
  
BEN: I've never seen a man cry so hard before.  
  
RANDOM BUNNY: All those years of torment…  
  
BEN: GAAAAAAH! (jumps into Cassidy's arms)  
  
72 Scene 6  
  
(A montage of Scully and Doggett walking, of Reyes sharpening a butcher's knife, and of Skinner hiding under his desk)  
  
  
  
DOGGETT: Uh, Agent Scully, you know, we could've driven that car we were just in.  
  
SCULLY: Yeah, but walking has a more dramatic effect.  
  
DOGGETT: Touche.  
  
(cut to REYES)  
  
REYES: No one steals my man. Isn't that right Mr. Pointy? Yes, it is! Yes it is! (Mr. Pointy emerges as a pet rottweiler)  
  
(cut to SKINNER)  
  
SKINNER: (eating pork under his desk) I feel so guilty. (pause) But I'm not Jewish. Hmm… Shouldn't I be doing something …. (pause) Oh. Right. (suddenly runs off)  
  
(cut to…)  
  
CASSIDY: I don't think anyone's coming to get us. Maybe no one listens to me after all. Huh, Benji?  
  
BENJI: (rocking himself in a corner) Bunny, Bunny, Bunny…I made it out of clay…  
  
KRYCEK and CASSIDY: (exchange looks)  
  
(cut to…)  
  
(MULDER walks up to the nearest puddle. Suddenly, out emerges Shannon.)  
  
SHANNON: Is it time for the shameful guest appearance yet?  
  
MULDER: I'd say so.  
  
(start to walk together)  
  
MULDER: You do realize that you're totally not wearing proper..uh…attire, right?  
  
SHANNON: Damn straight,  
  
MULDER: (shrugs) Hey whatever works for you.  
  
(cut to)  
  
CASSIDY: Maybe if we just figured out what was behind this…  
  
KRYCEK: Or who…  
  
BEN: Or maybe…what?  
  
KRYCEK and CASSIDY: (pretend they didn't hear that)  
  
(cut to)  
  
73 SHANNON  
  
I touch the fire  
  
And it's fine with me  
  
I look into it  
  
Feel capable  
  
I may be buoyant  
  
But I'm not shy and coy and  
  
Also inflammable  
  
Now through the smoke they call to me  
  
To them I walk, or swim, or lug  
  
Why do I do it? Well there is nothing to it  
  
It's just a TV plug  
  
So I will walk through the fire  
  
FOX has nowhere to turn  
  
I will walk through the fire  
  
Ratings will---  
  
74 REYES  
  
The grudge I bear is controlling me  
  
Do I understand the facts?  
  
The bitch will fry, and Skinner will be mine!  
  
I should've brought an axe…  
  
75 DEREK  
  
'Cause they are drawn to the fire REYES  
  
Will FOX ever learn? Some networks never learn  
  
They are drawn to the fire They are drawn to the fire  
  
Ratings will--- Ratings will---  
  
76 SKINNER  
  
How come Reyes's is getting stranger?  
  
Are my agents all in danger?  
  
Will my job insurance cover this?  
  
77 DOGGETT  
  
Will I get some when we've won?  
  
78 SCULLY  
  
Maybe when the show is done  
  
There are rules and Murdoch's got a list  
  
79 ALL but DEREK  
  
In 60 minutes  
  
We'll get through 'cause we are in it and  
  
We'll walk through the fire…  
  
80 DEREK  
  
So one by one they come to me  
  
To fight and scorn, to bare their teeth  
  
But while they fight  
  
They're all set to die  
  
This February 14th  
  
81 SHANNON DEREK  
  
He's a plotter's protégé So one by one …  
  
82 MULDER  
  
I always knew he was gay!  
  
83 SHANNON CASSIDY  
  
No you fool, that means he's just evil Going through the motions  
  
MULDER: Oh.  
  
84 REYES  
  
I'll get Skinner back today!  
  
85 CASSIDY DEREK  
  
Hey today is Cupid's Day! It's what they have inside  
  
Is love the reason we've lost our will?  
  
(All the others stand at different entrances of the warehouse)  
  
86 SHANNON DEREK  
  
This final days are finally ending in a haze They will come…to me  
  
87 ALL  
  
'Cause we are caught in the fire  
  
It's what Murdoch yearns  
  
We are caught in the fire  
  
Ratings will burn  
  
Burn  
  
Let them burn!  
  
(in a montage, SHANNON and MULDER, DOGGETT and SCULLY, SKINNER, and REYES kick down different doors and enter)  
  
REYES: SCULLY!  
  
SCULLY: MULDER!  
  
SKINNER: REYES?!  
  
DOGGETT: SKINNER?!  
  
CASSIDY: (kicks down door)  
  
MULDER: Marisa?  
  
(silence)  
  
(Everyone is surrounded by the men and guns and the bunnies with guns…yes they have guns too! What do you think they were threatening everyone with?!)  
  
CASSIDY: Stop! Reyes! Put the knife down! Doggett! Stop groping Scully! Everyone! STOP! I think I know what's going on here…  
  
SHANNON: Enlighten us.  
  
CASSIDY: Today is February 14th! Valentine's Day! Someone must have cast some love spell and it went horribly wrong.  
  
(silence)  
  
DEREK: Kill them.  
  
BEN: Wait!! Wait!! Wait-…uh….(raises hand)…I…well…I just wanted to know how the true feelings about the engagement  
  
DOGGETT: (look to KRYCEK and BEN) You too are getting married? Good for you!  
  
KRYCEK: Not ME! Him and HER!  
  
DEREK: Alright! Enough of this! KILL THEM ALL!  
  
OUTSIDE VOICES: Not so fast!  
  
DEREK: What the he---  
  
(WB executives storm the warehouse with even BIGGER guns and even BIGGER bunnies…with guns of course)  
  
WB exec #1: You've stolen something that's been copyrighted! You must pay the price! WB style!  
  
MULDER: Wha? That's insane! UPN owns the rights to Buffy:The Vampire Slayer now!  
  
WB exec #2: (winces) Don't remind me. Dispose of them all.  
  
SHANNON: Hey, we're FOX characters; you can't get rid of us.  
  
REYES: Yeah. Guns can't REALLY harm us.  
  
WB exec #3: But shameless cross-overs can…JOSHUA!  
  
(Pacey from Dawson's Creek enters. Theme plays in the background.)  
  
PACEY: Hey Cass…umm…I was thinking…you know, I'm opposed to all the vexatious and mean spirited convolution occurring momentarily and thought that perhaps it would be opportunistic of you and me to facetiously strut out of here and…end up post-coitus?  
  
(silence)  
  
CASSIDY: I think that was a pick up line…but I'm not sure.  
  
DEREK: Okay, I know we're not the best of friends but c'mon. Without Buffy, the WB is nothing! FOX Scoobies?  
  
ALL: Right…  
  
(Cassidy and Reyes run to the upper level while Scully and Shannon stay on the bottom and start kicking ass with the boys)  
  
88 CASSIDY  
  
Life's a show  
  
And even if it sucks  
  
We still get owed the bucks  
  
And you'll all end up fu—(Reyes shuts her mouth)  
  
89 REYES  
  
It's alright  
  
If we just stay in line  
  
We're still in season nine  
  
And we're doing just fine!  
  
90 SHANNON  
  
Where there's us (punch) there's hope  
  
We can save (kick) a show  
  
91 SCULLY  
  
We've done it (hit) before  
  
Look at sea-(punch) –son four!  
  
92 FOUR  
  
Work hard, all day  
  
93 CASSIDY  
  
Can't be like other shows!  
  
When you're hired you got to know  
  
94 SHANNON  
  
This is X-Files  
  
This is X-files  
  
It doesn't have to make any sense  
  
95 ALL  
  
Aaahh….ahhh…  
  
96 REYES  
  
No, it doesn't have to make any sense  
  
97 ALL  
  
Ahhhh…..ahhh  
  
98 KRYCEK  
  
Life's a show  
  
And it can be a dog  
  
The lighting, you will hog  
  
When your director's God  
  
99 MULDER  
  
Still it's true  
  
We're lured through this by bait and  
  
This contract, it is saying  
  
It is signed by Satan!  
  
100 SKINNER  
  
All the lies (punch) we sell  
  
'Cause ratings aren't (kick) so well  
  
101 DOGGETT  
  
They soon got (punch) too weak  
  
Around sea-(kick) –son three  
  
At least, to me  
  
(At this point, almost all of the WB execs have been chased out or beaten up. Including Joshua Jackson ~yippee!~)  
  
102 CASSIDY  
  
On if they understand  
  
There are labour laws in this land!  
  
103 BEN  
  
They can't reprimand!  
  
What they always demand!  
  
104 MULDER  
  
There was no pain  
  
No hurt or blaze  
  
Til they put us on  
  
Sundays  
  
So that's what we say  
  
It's all a haze  
  
'Cause they put us on  
  
Sundays  
  
So give us something to act about!  
  
Please give us something to act about!  
  
105 SCULLY  
  
(runs to him)  
  
Life's not a show  
  
Life is not FOX  
  
Nor a TV box  
  
It's living  
  
You'll always be free  
  
You're you, I can see  
  
Just Dave Duchovny  
  
You're living  
  
(silence. Everyone looks around the room. The WB execs are gone. Everything's cleared up. It's just been one big misunderstanding. And so, finally our last spoof son--)  
  
DEREK: Whoa whoa whoa, just hold on a minute. Nothing's been cleared up.  
  
REYES: I still want to kill Scully!  
  
BEN: I still need to get married!  
  
KRYCEK: (points to Shannon) Anyone else see that this lady is awfully nude?  
  
DOGGETT and DEREK: (whine) We want to get some!  
  
KRYCEK: Well, I don't MEAN awfully because…  
  
SHANNON: Shaddup.  
  
KRYCEK: Done and done.  
  
(Everyone starts to bicker)  
  
106 CASSIDY  
  
106.1 Where do we go from here? BEN  
  
106.2 Where do we go from here? Where do we go from here?  
  
107 MULDER  
  
Well the battle's won  
  
And Murdoch's done SHANNON  
  
107.1 So we sound our victory cheer So we sound our victory cheer  
  
108 ALL  
  
Where do we go from here?  
  
109 REYES and SKINNER  
  
109.1 This musical's unclear  
  
Tone deaf, the writer can't hear  
  
(Hey! I'm not an auditory learner!!)  
  
110 ALL  
  
We're right back where we might have been  
  
Hey! Let's move to UPN!  
  
Oh yeah…  
  
That's where we go from here!!!  
  
That's where we go….from here!!!!  
  
(pause)  
  
SKINNER: I have a question.  
  
CASS: Yes?  
  
SKINNER: Will it be a Jewish wedding?  
  
  
  
THE END!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
111  
  
112 


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